Dr. Venture: Alright! I got fifty smackers for each and everyman willing to work a honest day at my compound. Who’s up for it? Taking Rocket engineers, radar tracking operations managers, super fusion rod insert specialists… with Ventrilium handling experience and I’m gonna need to twos who can do phase plasma spectrum analysis. Any takers? Anybody? No? [sulks]
Dr. Venture: Alright, Alright, enough about how great you’re doing. It was a rhetorical question. What I’m really calling about is just to give you a heads up. I’ve got a meeting this morning with a certain four-star general to discuss a certain hot business deal with a certain me.
Dr. Jonas Venture Jr. You got a meeting with Manhowers, huh? That’s great Rust.
Dr. Venture: Yes-yes.
Dr. Jonas Venture Jr. Tell him I say hi. Those choppers he ordered will be ready in…
Dr. Venture: So anyway, next time you do a photo shoot for one of the science rags, get ready to move over ’cause I’m lifting my self-imposed media blackout.
Dr. Jonas Venture Jr. You saw the Super Scientific American piece, did you? That must’ve been one of the gals in my PR department. Oop, hang on a second…
Dr. Venture: You have a Puerto Rican department?
Dr. Venture: Well, should I give you the grand tour? But wait! Why walk when you can ride in style?
Dean Venture: Morning Dad!
Dr. Venture: Hello, son. So is that where my top secret experimental hover boots have gotten to?
Dean Venture: Sorry pop. I couldn’t resist. They’ve got a thousand and one uses around the home, at work or in combat situations.
Dr. Venture: Um, my arch-enemy quit. So lately I get every Tom, Dick, and Skeletor out to make a name for himself knocking on my door.
Dr. Venture: Wait, wait that’s not all I’ve got. Look! Zero-gravity pen. It writes in space.
General Manhowers: You Keep it son. Truth is you’ve got a lot of impressive stuff here, no two ways about it. A lot of it’s the same impressive stuff I saw when your dad was running the show. Only it all still works.
Dr. Venture: Is that about your shoe? Because if you wait twenty minutes, it’ll come back around. I don’t know how gum got on the walkway.
General Manhowers: Yeah, thanks for showing me around Dr. Venture. And for the Frutitopia. Can’t remember the last time I had one of those.
Dr. Venture: Speaking of shoes, you haven’t seen these yet. Spy shoes! The soles flip around so the Russians can’t follow your footprints. I… I call them… Sneakies.
Dr. Henry Killinger: I am Doctor Henry Killinger and this… is my resume.
Dr. Venture: Freelance Business Consultant and Executive Motivational Coach. I dunno if I can afford…
Dr. Henry Killinger: I work pro bono.
Dr. Venture: Great! When can you start?
Dr. Henry Killinger: I already have.
Dr. Henry Killinger: You cannot hope to reverse your regrettable financial straits without increasing production and work flow. To do this you will need a full time staff. And here they are.
Dr. Venture: How did they… ?
Dr. Henry Killinger: Well, team building is a specialty of mine.
Dr. Venture:I can’t… they don’t look Mexican. How am I supposed to pay all these people?
Dr. Henry Killinger:You won’t. The State will. These men are part of a work furlough program. I call them the Venchmen. Do you get it? Venture. Vench-men
Dr. Venture:No, no, I get it. I’m just imagining what the Super Science Workers Union is going to say when they get a load of the scabs. They’ve been on strike for like two years.
Dr. Henry Killinger: Relax my friend. There will be no more attacks. What you see is not fire, but industry breathing new life into the corpse of the Venture Compound.
Dean Venture: Never seen it do that before.
Brock Samson: Me neither.
Hank Venture: Wow, you’re some kind of magic man.
Dr. Henry Killinger: No, you are the magic man. [Pulls coin from ear]
The Venture Brothers: Wow!
Dr. Henry Killinger: I suggest you put that into a high yield mutual fund. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have much work to do.
Master Billy Quizboy: Notice of Hostile Takeover?! Who? Venture?! What a dick. Wait, we’re not even a publicly traded company.
Pete White: Oh, FYI: I issued some shares back when we needed some cash for the Nintendo Wii.
Master Billy Quizboy: What? We’re supposed to be partners. Why did… is this supposed to be me?
Pete White: As a griffin, yeah. We’re partners, ain’t we?
Master Billy Quizboy: Why are you a minotaur?
Pete White: Centaur.
Dr. Orpheus: Eviction?! But I’m not in arrears
Dr. Henry Killinger: The company is going back into Arachnid research. Your quarters have been rezoned.
Dr. Orpheus: What? Why Mr. Venture will hear of this.
Dr. Henry Killinger:Doctor Venture has given me power of attorney in all business matters.
Dr. Orpheus: Wait, there’s something strange about you, doughy mystery man. I sense… hmm… the presence of…
[Dr. Orpheus is trying to read Dr. Killinger’s mind]
Dr. Henry Killinger: Your powers are useless on me, you silly billy.
Dr. Henry Killinger: You will never be able to reach your full potential until you first confront your deep-seated fear of success. Now get into the bag.
Dr. Venture: What’s in it?
Dr. Henry Killinger: Only what you take with you.
Dr. Jonas Venture Sr.: Hello Rusty! You’re up bright and early!
Dr. Jonas Venture Sr.: Say? Whatcha eating there?
Rusty Venture: Alphaa Dog! I like Apple Mummy better though.
Dr. Jonas Venture Sr.: Haha! Apple Mummy. By the way the thing is you have to have a good breakfast! Because breakfast if the most important meal of the day.
Rusty Venture: Ok. But Nutraman is my favorite but don’t get a prize! Ahh! What are you trying to do to me?!
Dr. Henry Killinger: This is the moment your feelings of inadequacy first manifested themselves, when your father turned from role model to tormentor rival. What are you going to do about it?
Rusty Venture: Pop! Help me pop!
Dr. Jonas Venture Sr.: Hold tight Rusty, I’ll have you out in a jiff!
Dr. Henry Killinger: Noo! Do not call out to your father to save you. He is the one tied you up and buried your dreams in this tomb. He commands his creatures of the dark, Fear; Self-Loathing; Stinkin’ Thinkin’; And Dilly Dallying; Free yourself! And destroy this temple of failure!
Dr. Henry Killinger: The Goliath will not stop crushing your soul until you slay him once and forever. Kill him! Take your rightful place on the Venture throne and become the golden boy king god head!
Dr. Henry Killinger: The son has become the father. The flood gates of heaven have opened and prosperity rain upon you. Uh… but who is this tiny man? Why is he stealing your birthright?
Dr. Henry Killinger: Careful. The vision was so traumatizing to your psyche that you had a seizure.
Dr. Venture: Wha… ? How’d I get in here? Why am I naked? Did you slip me a ruffo?
Dr. Henry Killinger: You’re naked because you are born again. Your old clothes, your old life, they no longer fit you. But I have something that will! Oh and I will be needing my wallet back also.
Brock Samson: Oh well, Sure I was pissed when he told me I would have to start paying rent. Even more when he gave me a retroactive bill for the last two years. But he explained how I could write it all off so now I’m getting way more back from the IRS and I come out ahead of the game.
Dr. Orpheus: But what of your boys? Surely, you don’t think them safe in the hands of the beast? God! He’s probably shaking them as we speak! Shaking them like a nanny possessed!
Brock Samson: Wha-? The boys? Naw. He’s crazy about them and they’re crazy about him. Dean’s really excelling in his studies, he getting great progress from his learning bed. Which I gotta credit to Killenger’s tutoring. I’m not sure about some of the stuff he’s teaching Hank. But he says he has a PhD in child psychology… so you know… whatever.
Dr. Henry Killinger: [hands Hank a knife] This man stole from your father! Teach him the meaning of loyalty!
Dr. Orpheus: Have you not the eyes to see what he is doing? I’ve touched his mind! His is the way of the serpent and the apple. He seduced your employer with the poisoned promises of a Faustian covenant, giving with one hand as he macerates your souls with the other! We must stop him at once!
Dr. Venture: I’m not sure about this?
Dr. Henry Killinger: If you want to be a power player you need to look like one. How is the fit?
Dr. Venture: Snug. But there’s room.
Dr. Henry Killinger: You’ll grow into it.
Dr. Venture: Well, its different.
Dr. Henry Killinger: Richard Nixon said the same thing when I gave him his first power tie.
Dr. Venture: What are these things do?
Dr. Henry Killinger: This one is for you diet pills and this is for what have you.
Dr. Venture: I like it!
Dr. Henry Killinger: Ahh! I-I’m sorry. I have become the proud papa! I love my job!
Dr. Henry Killinger: The universe wants you to be happy and have all the things you want in life. She is waiting to pour our her bounty of blessings upon you. Picture the things you want in your mind’s eye. If they belong to someone else, take them! We will cover Lethal Force on the next tape.
The Alchemist: I am very excited about this plan.
Dr. Venture: I thought I gave you power of attorney so I wouldn’t have to be bothered with this kind of crap.
Dr. Henry Killinger: This is different and it must be in your own hand and only in blood.
Dr. Venture: Well you have enough of it to print a Kiss comic book with! What the hell am I signing, a zeppelin?
Dr. Henry Killinger: A most sacred pact: membership in the most elite brotherhood, mit exclusive arching rights.
Dr. Venture: Didn’t have to go through all this hooey to get my first archenemy, but what the hay? Did you pick me a good one?
Dr. Henry Killinger: No, you did.
Dr. Venture: [Looking at the video-screen What… my brother?]
Dr. Henry Killinger: Bingo! Isn’t it perfect? It’s a classic Cain-und-Abel story.
Dr. Venture: But… but he can’t arch me, he’s not even a super… [The reality dawns on him] Oh, my God, this is… but I’m not a…
Dr. Henry Killinger: Aren’t you? Is this not what your heart was trying to tell you in your visions? Sign it. Make your blood feud official! Act now! Venchmen are standing by for your order!
Brock Samson: Augh! Does nothing work in this place?
Dr. Venture: [somberly] Brock… am I a bad person?
Brock: Doc, what the hell just happened?
Dr. Venture: Am I, Brock?
Brock: [pauses, then rocks his hand in a “kind of” gesture] Ehhhh…
[General Manhours appears with him.] Gen. Manhowers: Heheh, you said it, Killer! And you can read more about it in The Bible!
Dr. Venture: Bill… Bill… Bill… Final Notice. [cuts open box to read death threat from the Monarch when a dead snake pops out] Ohh! June 6, 2003? I really got to get my shit together.